The Diary of Lady Ariana Cory
by Rosethorn
Summary: carols Finished! Ariana may appear in a later story. Still thinking. Lahdedah...enjoy!
1. Chapter One

_Spring 1378 AF_

My tutor gave this to me. He wants me to practice my handwriting. I suppose I will, but I'll do it in a fashion I choose. I suspect Master Aliar wants me to copy out phrases from our Holy Book. He's foolish, if he believes I will do that. But then, he has not seen yet what goes on in our house. Master Aliar is intelligent, but not exactly far-seeing. So many people who consider themselves intelligent have not an ounce of common sense. 

_Sping 1378 AF. Planting Festival. _

It's my birthday today, so I'll tell you about myself. I am the fourth child, and the third daughter of Lord Adrian Cory and his lady Alianne Cory. My name is Ariana, Lady Ariana Cory. I am of a noble family, and an old one, but as I said, I'm the middle child in a family of eight children, and not particularly remarkable. I don't get much attention, but this suits me, as I'm shy, and...well...there are downsides to attention in my family. 

I'm not particularly happy being who I am, despite the rich noble family and all. There are times when I had much rather be the daughter of a peasant family, work hard, and be loved, rather then a noble child, idle and ignored. There is not much I'm allowed to do. I'm an expert in sewing, spinning, and weaving. I can cook moderately well. I'm a superb horsewoman, since riding is the only sport I truly enjoy that women are expected to do. I try to ride as often as possible. 

I can read and write and cipher. I can speak as many languages as Master Aliar can think of to teach us (us being me and my brother Justien). 

Don't think that I can do everything. I can't fight. I was never allowed to learn. I can use a bow moderately well, but only enough to hit the target with two out of three arrows. Most of those arrows do not go further then the fourth ring out. I certainly cannot clean or make weapons. I can't clean even ordinary things. I don't know how to wash clothing. I have no idea how to survive in the wild, how to find my way through wilderness, how to perform even the simplest of farm chores. No glimmer of a Gift lurks in me. I can't sing, or play anything. My music teachers gave up on me after a week. I heard one of them say to my father that I am 'tone-deaf' and that I 'could not carry a tune in a bucket.' And I daydream far too often. 

Essentially, I'm only good at domestic things. I wish I knew more, but how would I learn? I wouldn't dare try to learn to fight by myself. I daren't even try to beg lessons from the armsmaster. Even if he didn't tell, my hands, which are white and smooth and altogether unsuited for fighting, would be ruined, and that would give the game away. The same goes for farm chores, and survival and pathfinding. __


	2. Chapter Two

A/N: I did update, eventually, since there seems to be enough interest to continue. 

_Spring 1378 AF_

Perhaps I should tell you about my family now. I really only love Laia and Justien. Sammy...well, you can like him, but you can't really love him. And Kally is too young for me to know what she's like. 

The oldest, Thom, gets most of the attention. He's tall, with a square, challanging face, and bright, blue-green eyes. He has hair the color of just-ripened wheat, and he's very charming. I suppose he'll capture some wide-eyed court beauty and wed her, and produce plenty of children to continue our line. To tell the truth, I don't know much about Thom. He rarely associates with anyone but our father, as he is twenty years of age and therefore a man, as well as our father's heir. Thom will probably go to court next spring to see about winning that wife.

Then there is Kylaia, my next and favorite sister, even at eighteen, four years older then I. Laia, as we often call her, is as tall as Thom, with golden hair and brilliant blue eyes. She looks just like the kind of beauty that Thom will wed someday, except, unlike that beauty, she isn't brainless. Laia is the most intelligent of us all, and the quickest to learn. She will likely soon be married, and she's told me that she is frightened to death of it. She doesn't want to be...but that will keep, for another day. 

Laia is my closest sister. She and I are twins of the mind, rather then the body. I know she will be Chosen someday, if she shows signs of a Gift. Laia taught me to read and write when no one else would. She also bullied Master Aliar into teaching me more before she left for court. She'll return in a few weeks. 

Lerali is the beauty in the family, but I think Laia far the prettier. Where Laia is strong, and challenging, Lerali is soft and submitting. She's also brainless. She can't do more then order servants about. I think that our father will foster her at court, where she can show herself to advantage and capture a husband, preferably a rich, noble one. There is little else to say of Lerali, so I won't bother to try.

Then comes me, at fourteen, and after me my favorite brother Justien. He's rather ugly, and as such likely won't attract the kind of wife that Thom will. So my brother applied himself to his studies. He's very well-spoken, and well-learned. I love him because he believes, like Laia and unlike our father, that women are more then livestock, good only for childbirth. Justien, I think, will manage to persuade Father to send him to the Colligium, to become an Unaffiliate. He will probably become an Artificer. He would be good at it, and bring our family more fame then we already have.

Sammy, my next youngest brother, is simpleminded. Mother was helping him up the stairs a year ago when he slipped, and both of them fell. Sammy escaped with only a knock to the head that made him lose his wits. Mother went into labor with our youngest sister, Kally, and lost her life.

I don't blame Sammy. He was only three, and can't quite remember what went wrong, on account of his simplemindedness. He's so adorable one cannot blame him. I don't especially miss my mother, either. She couldn't stand up to Father at all. She was much like Lerali, except she had the wit to know some things.

Kally is the sweetest little baby you ever saw, with huge blue eyes and a faint dusting of dark hair. This is surprising, as she and I are the only people in our family with dark hair. I sometimes wonder if we have different parents. Unlikely, though, as Mother was too frightened to be unfaithful to my father.

My father....but someone is coming. My father can wait for another day. 


	3. Chapter Three

_Spring 1378 AF_

I've told you the appearance of all my siblings, but not myself. I'll tell you now, so you know what I look like, at least. I'm small, with an oval face and large, dark eyes. My hair is black, the color of a moonless midnight sky, long, thick and wavy. I'm not allowed to cut it. Not that I would want to. It is my only real beauty. My face is too narrow, my eyes too large, my nose too strong, my mouth too small, my chin too rounded, and my cheekbones too high. I look rather like a gypsy, or a traveling trader. 

My nastier siblings claim that I must be the daughter of a traveling trader, and not my father at all. But as I said yesterday, Mother was too frightened of our father to be unfaithful to him. You see, our father beats us. For any little mistake. He's...very harsh, and demands perfection. When he doesn't get it, he beats us. I've learned to stay out of his way, and to keep Sammy and Kally out of his way as well. Justien tries to protect us, but sometimes gets beaten for his pains. It's Laia, though, who defies him the most and is beaten the most. Not hard, for our father doesn't want to ruin her beauty, but beaten nonetheless. Lerali's so brainless and beautiful she is not beaten at all. Thom must have felt our father's hand at some time in his life, but not recently. Not now that he's our father's heir and puppet. I'm luckier then most of my siblings, as my dark hair and complexion lets me fade into the shadows. 

I would be beaten very badly if this diary is ever found. 

_Spring 1378 AF_

Looking back at my opinions, I'm certain you're wondering how I mananged not to get beaten for them. I have been, but that was before I learned to keep my emotions hidden. I feel very deeply, sometimes, but I'm very good at not showing my feelings. So good that I'm not sure I _can_ show them anymore. And yet...and yet...sometimes I wish I could show them. 

That's one of my fondest dreams. Another is to be a Herald. It won't ever happen. I know this, just as I know that Thom will be a lord, Laia a Herald, Lerali someone's pampered lady, Justien a scholar. It's my fate to be a lady. But oh, how I wish I could be a Herald! I'm just not good enough, though. 

You see, I get angry sometimes. Very angry. So angry it frightens me. I want to destroy things when I get that angry. That anger is why I know I won't ever be Chosen. Heralds do not get that angry. 


	4. Chapter Four

_Summer 1378 AF_

I haven't written for a long time, and the reason is this: Laia was Chosen a few days after my last entry.

It isn't that I envy her. I won't, can't be Chosen. But I didn't expect the pain...

This is how it happened. 

She and I were riding, and Laia was talking about her betrothed. She was telling me how afraid she was to be married to him, so afraid that she was willing to run away to escape it. I could not imagine that, and told her so. I asked her how she thought she would survive. She laughed, and told me that the gods would protect her. I asked her, why then do you not stay here, and protect me? That was when she froze.

I turned, and there was the Companion. I found that I could not move either. I wanted so badly for that Companion to stop in front of _me,_ to look in _my_ eyes, to Choose _me._ But it was not to be. She paced by me, and stopped. I held my breath. She looked up at me with...pity, and sympathy in her eyes, then turned to Choose Laia. And I felt such pain at that moment, more pain then I had ever felt before. I wanted her to turn, to Choose me, but she wouldn't. She wouldn't. 

Laia rode away. I think she will be the perfect Herald, and I am so proud of her. Only....why must I be so envious? No. I do not envy her. 

_Later _

I do envy Laia.

_Summer 1378 AF_

To get my mind off my envy, I will write about my mother. I was born when she was twenty-four. Mother was always...timid, I suppose is the best word. I gather that she was abused growing up, and abused more after she wedded my father. It was lucky for her that she birthed Thom a year after their marriage. He left her alone after that. Mother was only eighteen when Thom was born. Only seventeen when she married. My father is at least twice her age. 

My memories of her are of a shadow, really. She stayed out of my father's way, pampered Thom, primped Lerali, scolded Laia, ignored me and Justien, and pampered Sammy. Ironic that it should be Sammy who killed her, if indirectly. Kally bears my mother's name.

I sometimes wonder why I loved her.


	5. Chapter Five

_Summer 1378 AF_

Perhaps another reason that I will not be Chosen is that I find it hard to feel anymore. You will remember how I said that I hide my feelings. I have realized of late that one of the reasons it is so easy to hide my emotions is that I do not have many anymore. I can love, but only Justien and Laia, only people who have earned my trust and love. I can like, but only if the person is so young and innocent that they are impossible to dislike but too young to have earned my love.

I can't hate, though. I keep thinking about how I would feel if I were them, and I was my enemy. Sometimes I simply don't have the energy to hate. The only person I could possibly hate is my father, and he's...well, he's my father. I just can't hate him.

Anger though...anger comes naturally and easily. Anger comes often, and consumes my world when it does. I wish I could stop it! It is like a dragon that curls up inside me, that will not let go. Anger is the one emotion I wish I could not feel. 

_Summer 1378 AF_

My entries are getting shorter. Perhaps that is because I cannot think of things to tell you. What is there to tell? You know what I can and cannot do, what I look like, how I feel.

Well, I have not told you what I fear. I fear turning into my mother, an abused creature without the strength of will to stand up to my father. I fear turning into my _father,_ and hurting things for the joy of hurting. I fear simplemindedness as well. What would I do if I were simpleminded? My escape, my dream world, would be gone.

I have not told you about my dream world, either. I am a dreamer. Everything important I do is in my dreams. I have stood up to my father, I have saved my family single-handed, I have saved the kingdom, I have been Chosen. But that is only in my realistic dreams. All of those dreams could perhaps happen, even if the chances are so slim they are not visible. It is a world that I go to in my mind, when I daydream. I go there, and I am Ariana the Brave, or Ariana the Wise, loved and revered and worshipped. I have all sorts of adventures, free the world from dragons, from evil. It is my escape. When things get too bad to stand, or I get angry, I go to my world, and hide there. 

It is the one place no one can take away.

_Summer 1378 AF_

Father is getting worse. Ever since Laia left he has been very touchy, snapping at us for the smallest mistake and beating us for the tiniest blunder. I have gotten more beatings in the last few days then I have since I learned to hide my feelings.

I don't understand why he is so angry all the time. I mean, Laia was betrothed, but her betrothed, I gather, would be perfectly happy to take Lerali instead. She's not nearly as intelligent and firey. But...could that mean he has a betrothal for Lerali, too? Then _I'll_ have to take Laia's place. There is only Kally, and she's a baby. He can't possibly betroth her. The Queen wouldn't stand for it.


	6. Chapter Six

_Summer 1378 AF_

It is Laia's birthday today. She wrote me to say that she is very happy in the Colligium, and she has many friends already. She knows how to do most of the chores, and is learning the ones she doesn't. Her Companion's name is Fiorina, but she likes to be called Fiori. According to Laia, she is the most wonderful thing in the world. I don't doubt it. Laia will get through the Colligium quickly, because of her age and learning. Then, she promised me, she will come back and get me. Laia is so good, to me, to her friends. She will be the perfect Herald. I only wish I was a Herald! It hurt when I read her letter, I wanted so much to be her. 

I did write her back, and the letter is currently on its way to Haven and Laia. But I said nothing about my suspicions involving my supposed betrothal, or about our father's sudden increase of anger. She doesn't need to worry about that. But...it'll be two years or more before she can come for me. Lord and Lady help me, but I'm so frightened of my father...

_Summer 1378 AF_

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. 

It's happened. I'm officially betrothed. Now I understand how frightened Laia was, because I'm just as afraid. This man...he can hardly even be called that. He's a beast! I've seen him kicking the dogs, whipping his horse, beating the servants. He's at least fifty, more then three times my age. Half his children are older then I am! His other wives died of mysterious reasons. The one I saw was pale and quiet, his colorless shadow. Gods forbid. I'll kill myself before I end up like that. 

I'm going to run away. There's no other hope for it. Maybe I can be a seamstress, or something. Maybe...ah, gods, who am I fooling? I have no money, no skills. I'll be caught quickly.

There's no hope at all. 

_Summer 1378 AF_

I was wrong. There is hope.

There is so much hope, so much love, I can't believe I was considering suicide. Of course, I can't be married against my will now.

Oh, gods. I'm too happy to write now. I'll tell you all about it later. Let me only say that her name is Sorsha.

_Summer 1378 AF_

Who is Sorsha? you might ask. Is she my fairy godmother? Is she a Herald, come to spirit me away?

No. Sorsha is none of these. Sorsha is my--are you ready for this?--my Companion.

I couldn't believe it either, at first. I still can't believe it, even now, even when I look up and see her over there, lying in the grass under the moonlight, grazing. Every now and then she will look up, over at me, to make sure I'm all right.

And I am. I'm more then all right. Everything is wonderful tonight.

Everything will always be wonderful, Sorsha, because of you. Because of you, I will never be lonely and unloved again. Because of you, no one will ever hurt me again.

I love you, Sorsha. 


End file.
